Gutter sputter

Few days back I wrote about how the blooming Gulmohar trees are indicating the start of the rainy season. Well, here is the second indicator. BMC, concerned with the rising incidence of flooding within specific areas of the city are on a cleaning spree.

Or is it that, concerned with the increasing number of people who think that a sidewalk is actually for walking - BMC has decided to do its best to dissuade such health conscious populace?They have decided to clear out the gutters and fill up the side walks with rubble and gunk and goop from the gutters. May be it is their subtle way of telling us that we are putting in all the wrong things into the gutters - like milk cartons, ice-cream cups, plastic covers and other miscellany.

Whatever the reason, if you are walking, watch out - because the gutter sputters and its not hygenic by any means!

The Week Ends here

Have you as a Mumbai-ite seen how difficult it is to spend weekends when there are no good movies released that week?

What do you DO - really? Go look at Juhu or Chowpatty half a dozen times? Educational activities like visiting museums and parks or getting religious is reserved for when we get guests. Eating out is like sooo boring after drowning in cheese at Pizza Hut or getting crunchy with chinese or even spicy with thai! The same restaurants are there year around. Wheres the variety in life?

Puh-leaze don't mention the innumerable malls that spring up like mushrooms. Most of them have the same shops and many are not even affordable! Imagine buying from a wierdly named international shops ( I realised that this shop named like a stinky smell was not 'Bhas' but actually a vowel-free 'Bhs' )

No wonder so many of my acquaintance simply go out of town when they get half a chance!
Any suggestions for a bored family?

Battlestations ! Autos are here

The autos-wallahs in Mumbai are an amazing lot. Especially the ones you find in the airports or cinema theatres. You ask them to go to the nearby station, or Bandra or Andheri .... and they refuse.

The autos outside the airports have the excuse that they have been standing in queue for many hours and therefore they are entitled to get as much money out of the trips as they can.

But how about the autos outside cinema theatres and office complexes?

As it is, Mumbai has limits as to where autos can go. They can't go much beyond Mahim on one side. So think about it - do they expect passengers to Navi Mumbai all the time? How many people who want to go to Navi Mumbai and in their senses can you find outside a cinema hall in Bandra or Andheri( at the cost of some 200-300 Rs)?

The autos are really aliens in disguise sent to spy on us. Whatever else they do ...they refuse to take passengers anywhere ( which is what they are expected to do). They want only passengers who want to go to the moon. So that they can earn the maximum of course!

My theory is supported by the interiors of autos ( space ships) decorated with eyes or lips, mysterious references to GODS and their power, about the eyesight of the blind and best of all Anarkali...

A king crowns himself

He is the King of Business and he is showing it BIG time. He is building a royal palace for himself as opulent and extravagant as any king built in the ye ancient times to prove his worth.

From impossibly large stones of the Pyramids in Egypt to...
the lush palace in Luxembourg to ...
the white, gold and glass magnificence of French palace of Versailles to ...
the gold embossed Mysore palace ( with the famous gold throne)....
each King had his palace built ostentatiously. Each of their palaces showed off their might and power to their subjects and enemies.

The nature of the King has changed today. Real royalty and money and power is in the business world rather than in blue blood lines. True to form, the King of today's business world has conceived 'Antilla'. Photos, videos and email forwards galore create a flood no one can ignore.

His 5-star style, 28-floor, 4 lakh sq feet palace towers over the skyline of Mumbai - demanding attention. We poor Mumbai-ites of 700 sq feet homes bow in subjection and wonder. He is the king- Mukesh Ambani – for he has announced it in no uncertain terms.

Mumbai abloom

All ye poets rejoice. All ye nature lovers rejoice and all ye bored with dull gray facades of faded buildings behold!

In case you are wondering why I have gone mad or antiquated in my English, then, wonder no more. It is the season. Mayflowers or gulmohars as we call them here, are abloom, heralding the arrival of rains.

I don't want to get into talking about rains, because today I want to be positive. Positive - about this grave and busy city that bears heavy burdens daily. The city is a riot of colours now. Most buildings have at least one ill-treated gulmohar in its backyard.

So while swishing past in a cocoon of a car, or while hanging perilously out of a bus or even chugging off in a train, let your eyes take in the marvelous feast of eye-catching, orange-red colours and refresh your minds.

The future is underground

Normally, people and movies envision the future full of flying cars and vehicles, thus using space travel and flight as means of transportation. However, in Mumbai it seems that the future is not above but below. I am not talking about heaven and hell though I hope that comparison never applies!

There is a train going to be snaking down under you. Won't it be great if this ambitious project for Metro in Mumbai reduces the traffic on the roads? Or is the traffic saved going to be replaced with the influx of people into the city over the 3 years it will take to completely develop?

Interestingly, the first phase of the Metro is going to be in densely popluated and over-trafficed area (pardon the word) of Andheri east MIDC. Having passed through the same area today, I can only sigh with relief at the development. Cars and vehicles stood stationery for half an hour!

I remember when the WE Highway bridge in Andheri East was built. It used to take me upto 2 hours to get to Andheri West. The only consolation of people stuck up in that kind of traffic jam was that once the bridge was completed, we would see a tremendous decrease in traffic density there.

Yes, it was true. The traffic jams reduced from what it was WHEN THE bridge was being constructed. It went back to what it was before - because in peak hours there are hardly 10 vehicles using the god-forsaken useless bridge built with such fan-fare. Let's hope that this road-block causing Metro does not cause this kind of havoc and trouble to poor working class citizens of Mumbai!

Open gutters - an open issue

It is not a mere gurgle of a river. It is the coughing and sputtering of a polluted brown muddy sewer. Nowhere else have I ever come across an abomination like this and I don't have simple words in which to describe it.

It raises stink of 20 dead rats and its murky depths contain plastic and all other sorts of unmentionable debris. My blog will probably get instantly taken down for disgusting content if I tried to describe it more in detail.

This open gutter system is a real threat. Come rains, it bubbles out, and gently cleans our feet in a deadly caress. Or should I say it turns us into dead carcass?

The amazing view of this seething cauldron of hell can be seen from many apartments in many places. I guess the residents of such apartments just tell themselves that they have a great "water" view. I hope that since it is moving water, it does not double up as a breeding place for mosquitoes!

Road Safety Bulletin Boards - Safe or Scared?

We have heard all this before. We are in the information age, we are an information society, information is now available at our finger tips etc. Well, if you have been struck up at a traffic signal recently, you would have seen the Mumbai Traffic Police, reaching out to you with road safety information.

Just yesterday, I saw the signe which told me in no uncertain terms that I could not park my vehicle near Wankhede stadium. From this helpful bulletin I derived the information that there was an IPL cricket match going on there. No wonder there was no space to park with the entire Bollywood and SENSEX movers and shakers parked out there.

The other message that blinked in my face as I travelled away from Bandra was quite threatening. The bulletin board screamed out the number of people arrested and with suspended licenses for drunk driving. This really psyched me out. Were there this many people around, who were drunk and driving? I looked around cautiously, checking my sideview mirror. Nope. No swerving maniac there.

The road had become even more dangerous than the odd potholes. There are the kangaroo jumpers as well. Have you seen these kangaroo jumpers? When they are crossing the road and they see a car coming down at great speed, and they can't decide whether to go ahead or go back. So they jump back and forth like kangaroos.

Imagine these kangaroo jumpers jumping back and forth while the 4000 drunk drivers also drive weaving from left to right. It is statisically possible to have the kangaroo and drunk collide somewhere between a back jump and a left swing.

These bulletin boards are definitely thought-provoking.

Vada Pav again

Not too long back- 10 days to be exact, I blogged about Vada Pav being like Mumbai. You can read the blog here
Apparently others were thinking along the same lines ( or they read my blog and got influenced by it) . Todays DNA carries an article about Vada Pav being renamed to Shiv Vada Pav - because Vada Pav is ( guess what) synonymous to Mumbai !! What a concidence!

Someone is watching you!

Someone is watching you all the time. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing. But don't worry; it is not the big brother. It is the incongruous but ever-present being in our life - the Pigeons. They are present everywhere!

Pigeons are no low-class citizens. They belong to the upper-crust of society. Cramped corners just don't suit their needs. They need air-conditioners - the top of it. I can't count the number of twigs, wires and hair particles dropped into the AC. All in the name of building that high-quality wind-resistant nest.

If you are bothered by any of them- just wait till the eggs hatch out. Constant squawks, screeches, knocks, bumps will keep you engaged once the little chicks are out. You begin to feel like you are in a cage in a zoo and those chicks are constantly watching you for fun. To make the nest even stronger and dust resistant, the Pigeons put in goop, muck, feathers and other such invaluable and expensive components. When the chicks are big enough and fly away its time to clean up the mess and it’s terrible. The smell, the colour and the dust is enough to make you vacate the house rather than clean it!

Glittering paradise

It was 5 years back that I was in Cairo. The shopping-eating-living in malls was a prevalent practice there. What amazed me was the number of shops carrying ladies apparel and accessories. Tons of shops carried similar clothes, similar shoes, similar jewellery, similar hair care products - you get the picture.

Today, it seems that Mumbai is in the same rut. I step out of home and almost trip over a dozen shoe shops and breeze past twenty dress shops. Artifical glitter from the bags and jewellery shops hurt my eyes. Coloured contact lenses, clothes as seen in some movie or the other, accessories as seen in some pathetic tear-filled mother-in-law / daughter-in-law serial....

The street is full of ladies stuff and not just the street but the malls too. Who is really buying all this glitter, glamour and gloss? Are that many million ladies in Mumbai replacing their wardrobe on a monthly basis? Are they really buying large unbelievably-shaped bags that cost a couple of thousand rupees to match 3-inch heeled party shoes?

One thing is clear. India is shining- at least from the artificial glitter in the shops!

Discount minded public

Food bazaar has a concept called Wednesday bazaar. Wednesdays were apparently dull days there till this concept came along. Now there is nothing dull about being a mid-week shopper. The trolley traffic inside food bazaar is more than traffic on the roads on a Sunday evening. Ladies of all sizes and shapes and vocational pursuits pursue that 'best' buy and discounted items.

Potatoes and onions are made shamelessly available at 'Baap ke zamaane ka daam'. The 'buy one get one free', buy X and get Y free is so attractive that most people buy things they just don't need. Liquid handwash, turkey towels and other such usless items have become a staple at home because of these fabulous deals. In fact my mom-in-law flat out refuses to buy washing powder without getting the '1 bucket' free. The population of buckets in my home is more than stray dogs in Mumbai and then some.

This habit for shopping for discounts has extended to other shops as well. Now, I can't buy my son a toy in the toy shop without asking for discount. Food Bazzar has conditioned me to become ' Discount- minded'. My servant too needs to do atleast 1 additional free task a week. On the net, emails and softwares need to be free. Otherwise I don't download them.

People already consider movies to be available at discounted rates and hence buy 4 movies in a pirated DVD or books at quarter price on the roadsides!

Given this frenzy and mania for discount deals, maternity hospitals have begun to be deluged with parents asking for 1 kid free. People want left kidney operation for free along with the right kidney operation. Dentists are forced to pull out an extra tooth for free. Flights are already working with 50% off on seat sizes. Things are going to only get better from here on.

P.S. Just to keep you all discount-minded readers out there happy - here is the good news...
This blog post is absolutely free for all those who have read all the other posts.

Sights to see - Mumbai Local

The floor is strewn with papers and food items like the remanants of a large party. As the wind blows the papers russle and food leftovers roll around. People who mistakenly step into the area shrug with disgust and then indifference. After all they are also here as contributors to the mess. The mess is for them to make and for the cleaners to clean. They were not responsible for cleaniless of someone else's place!So they put thier feet up in disdain and leave their footprints on the opposite seats. Those seats don't belong to them either. So what do they care who uses the seats next?

Meanawhile, having seen the abundance of availability of food, creatures down the food chain have decided to make their home just there. A couple of rats,unknown number of roaches, spiders , ants and bacteria as well are well settled in this place. Once in a while - distant cousins, aunts uncles and various relatives visit from poorer environs. Once they see the abundance
available in this place - they are reluctant to ever leave. Some times even scrawny beggar boys come to plunder and share the loot.

This is heaven. This is the first class ladies compartment of a Bombay Local.

Now why only first class,you ask? And why not. Anywhere else sundry creatures would be crushed to smithereens by the stampeding populace. There is hardly enough room to breathe in there. Those that are not crushed die of suffocation and those still surviving die of starvation. Who is a brave man who when standing in a general compartment - can take out even the most miserly candy bar to eat? Especially while standing on one foot like a Yogi in his tapasya and holding on to his nieghbours shirt sleeves? So that rules out the availability of proper living conditions in the general compartment.

The general First class compartment too is similarly afflicted. There a man can just about stand on two feet. If he started pulling out eatables from his pockets he may end up in a fight with his
fellow-travellers. They will be in the danger of falling right out of the compartment if someone starts occupying so much space for himself.

So it is in the luxorius ladies first class compartment where ladies tired from their day at office and girls tired from chattering on their mobiles..relax..and take out the crunchy bhel - or vada pav and generously leave behind left-overs for the future. It is there that a police woman stationed to guard the public sits with her spinach and cutting board. Afterall which ruffian will
dare attack a ladies compartment guarded by a policewoman with a large kitchen knife?

It is there, that when a shrieking lady locates a reptile or a rodent- all feet automatically go up on the seat in front. So if some lady asks you - what are the interesting sites to see in Mumbai- you know what to suggest! Afterall, one of the most intriguing places where you can expect the unexpeted - is the first class ladies compartment in a Mumbai Local.

Mubmai beaches back in action

It is nice to see the beaches in Mumbai so clean now. I remember giong to Juhu a few yeards back for an immersion. The beach was full of plastic. It was like sitting on a giant garbage bin!

The water is still a little muddy though. Guess civic authorities can't do much about that - can they? Aleast there is no need to feel ashamed of taking a visitor from another city to see the beach. Let us hope these beaches remain this way!

All about toilets and no humour about it

One of my friends had this habit. Wherever she went she would first check out the toilet in the place and drag me along as well. "The state of the toilets give the right idea about quality of the place" she would say. So, whether it was the bus stand or a five star restaurant, the first place we would ask for and check out was the discrete "ladies room".

Having checked out many with her and continuing her habit ( but without that kind of religious fervour) I have come to the conclusion she is right. A place may present a upmarket and classy exterior, but the state of tiolets - unclean, unserviced, without tissue papers, with insufficient staff, give them away. A down-to-earth looking place is boosted by clean and well-maintained bathrooms.

You can judge the quality of Mumbai malls too with this barometer. Malls which are well managed, have toilets that are well managed. Stinky toilets are a dead giveaway of stinky management. So clean up your act - all you show-offy malls with bad bathrooms! Get more cleaning staff assigned - please don't let those dirty stinky brown toilets take away from the pleasure of a leisurely shopping session.

Mumbai attitude - do we have the right attitude to succeed

The success and future of a person or even a city depends on its attitude.
There are 2 types of people and cities :

1. the 'what I did' types

2.'what i am' types

The 'What I did's are so focused on their past achievements and successes, that they fail to think of what they need to keep succeeding in the future. Think of England in 1900s, so set up in their own greatness that they thought that the sun set and rose on their empire. Where are they a 100 years hence?

The U.S. is going through this phase now. The 'What I did' phase. Japan too seems to have gone through the 'What I did' phase- look how much we have succeeded after being compeletely destroyed in the world war.

The other is the 'What I am' types. Their achievements are not in the limelight all the time. Rather, they know what they are from what they have learnt from their achievements and failures.

Take France, and their pride in themselves and their country. They too have lost a large part of their territories like England. But those territories was not what made them strong but their idea of themselves and what they are. Take any great leader you know of. Once s/he becomes bound up in telling of historical successes rather than having an idea of where they have reached and looking for the way forward, they begin to lose track.

Let's get to Mumbai. Are we stuck in 'what I did' phase where we are proud of being the financial capital and an amazing cultural pot purri? Or are we in 'What I am' phase? Where we realize our faults of being intolerant to certain communities sometimes, but take pride in the courage of Mumbai-ites after any disaster?

You decide...

Mumbai vada pav

A vada pav is symbolic of this city - Mumbai. Here's 5 reasons why...

1. Its sweet, its sour, its hot and spicy like a mixture of people from different backgrounds and beliefs - all of whom get together to create a unique whole.
2. Its flexible - it can eaten in a restaurant or standing by the road side or on the go in the train.
Its probably quite unhealthy too - just like life in this over-populated and over-polluted city.
Its inimitable and it just doesn't taste the same in any other party of this country.

3. In a city where tall buildings are flanked by slums, so too do vada pav shops cater to everyone from the moneyed to the beggars.

4. Like all those people from smaller towns with dreams in their eyes who travel to this city of riches - making and selling vada pav too has made many a road side vendor wealthy!

5. Finally, like Mumbai is compared to Hollywood so is Vada Pav compared to its western counterpart - the burger!

Go ahead, enjoy one today! Running to catch the train or fighting to climb the corporate ladder or selling fake books on the streets will work all that fat off!

Mobile Mania

A thief was looking sad. His friend asked him what the matter was,
"I lost my phone!" the thief repled despondently
"Did someone steal it?" the other asked laughing.
"You see, I went into a house in the middle of the night to steal. I forgot to put my phone on vibrate mode.When it rang..."
"...it woke up everyone?"
"Not just that! There were 4 people in that house and they all thought it was their mobile phone ringing. They jumped on me screaming 'its my call' I had to throw the phone down and run away"
This is a joke. But it might as well be true. I have been to many countries and never yet seen people as obsessed with cell phones as in India. Here, we keep it under the pillow when sleeping, in the shower when bathing and forget it in the toilet too.

We are like overprotective parents to a baby. We carry the responsibility everywhere. We encourage it to have as many features as possible. We compare it to that of our friends.

Now, come to think of it, when will we have the make-it-yourself mobile? I pick the design, I pick the features " I want bluetooth, I dont want FM radio, I want mp3 player and video recorder, I want 10 Mega pixel camera. Please put it all together and tell me the charge."

Nokia and Motorola are you listening ?