Wanted Watchman

WANTED!

Here is an advertisement for a watchman for a typical Mumbai residential society in the local newspaper vacancy section.

Wanted on an urgent basis, watchman for 4-storey posh apartments in Santaruz West, applicant should be …

1. Able to Multi-task: He should be able to pay phone bills, mobile bills, electricity bills, internet bills etc. on the same day for all 22 building occupants.
2. Be dexterous: He should be able to open the gate for all incoming and outgoing cars, and also ensure that the lift is not stuck on 4th floor as usual due to the pesky kids there.
3. Skilled at light management: He should be able to switch on lights at the exact moment in the evening when there is enough light for Mehta to read his name board but dark enough for Patil to fall down the stairs if not switched on.
4. Able to judge well: He should be able to look at a persons face and immediately judge if they are 3rd floor Shantanu’s friends (who should not be asked any questions as they will break the watchmans nose) or they are goons, thieves, robbers or salesmen ( who need to sign before entering the building)
5. Hardworking: He should able to service Mrs.Jha’s marketing requirements, execute office work of the building secretary on the 3rd Floor, play with the kids in the evening and while not appearing to leave his post at any point in time.
6. Manage Pests: He should have skills in driving out mad dogs that manage to enter the building premises, kill rats and rodents that infest some houses, shoo out errant cows and buffaloes etc.
7. Tactful: Residents will fight. Mrs.Soni will demand to know if Mr.Soni had been seen coming out of the wrong house at the wrong hour. Ms Tanya will deny everything, even her own name. Subramani kids will ring bells, press all the buttons in the lift, puncture car tyres and paint bad words on the building walls. Shantanu will have frequent parties with ear-splitting music till 3 in the morning. The watchman should deal with all complaints in a tactful and respectful manner.

Additional responsibilities include distributing circulars personally to every house, collecting maintenance fees monthly, putting up notices, accompanying all callers to relevant house for security reasons, recommending maids, drivers, children’s nurses, cook, massage specialists etc. as per requirement.

Posh society is one of the highest paymasters for the miniscule amount of work that requires to be done by the watchman. We will pay a monthly salary of Rs.1500 of just 18 hour shifts. During this time, watchman is allowed 30 seconds for a nature’s break and 3 minutes for a lunch break. The other 6 hours in a day will be completely free. A large 1 X 1 room will be provided for watchman to change and rest.

P.S. He will also need to watch the building for security purposes.


Disclaimer: All characters and names in this article are figments of the writers imagination. Except the watchman. He is all too real.