Here is an Indian website that allows you to buy a customized poem. A great add-on for any other gift you might choose to give.
Check it out at http://buyapoemindia.webs.com
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
My vote
This is the theme of the day. Vote. Vote for me. Vote against corruption.
My vote is against narrow-mindedness that leads to
CRIME AGAINST FOREIGN WOMEN
The foreign women, whom certain Indian men seem to think are 'loose' just because they look and behave different to Indian women.
CRIME AGAINST WORKING WOMEN
In call centers, in pubs or anywhere else. Like men - women too have every right to live life at their own pleasure as long as they are not hurting others.
CRIME AGAINST MOTHERS-DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW
Caused by money-minded TV serial producers. Everything we see around us, impacts our thinking. If we continuously see depraved women, then that is what we think women are in real life too. So lets have no dowry deaths, no IN-LAW fights, no kidnapping, no slapping, no bitching.
I PROUDLY VOTE FOR AN OPEN MIND
My vote is against narrow-mindedness that leads to
CRIME AGAINST FOREIGN WOMEN
The foreign women, whom certain Indian men seem to think are 'loose' just because they look and behave different to Indian women.
CRIME AGAINST WORKING WOMEN
In call centers, in pubs or anywhere else. Like men - women too have every right to live life at their own pleasure as long as they are not hurting others.
CRIME AGAINST MOTHERS-DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW
Caused by money-minded TV serial producers. Everything we see around us, impacts our thinking. If we continuously see depraved women, then that is what we think women are in real life too. So lets have no dowry deaths, no IN-LAW fights, no kidnapping, no slapping, no bitching.
I PROUDLY VOTE FOR AN OPEN MIND
Friday, April 3, 2009
Wanted Watchman
Here is an advertisement for a watchman for a typical Mumbai residential society in the local newspaper vacancy section.
Wanted on an urgent basis, watchman for 4-storey posh apartments in Santaruz West, applicant should be …
1. Able to Multi-task: He should be able to pay phone bills, mobile bills, electricity bills, internet bills etc. on the same day for all 22 building occupants.
2. Be dexterous: He should be able to open the gate for all incoming and outgoing cars, and also ensure that the lift is not stuck on 4th floor as usual due to the pesky kids there.
3. Skilled at light management: He should be able to switch on lights at the exact moment in the evening when there is enough light for Mehta to read his name board but dark enough for Patil to fall down the stairs if not switched on.
4. Able to judge well: He should be able to look at a persons face and immediately judge if they are 3rd floor Shantanu’s friends (who should not be asked any questions as they will break the watchmans nose) or they are goons, thieves, robbers or salesmen ( who need to sign before entering the building)
5. Hardworking: He should able to service Mrs.Jha’s marketing requirements, execute office work of the building secretary on the 3rd Floor, play with the kids in the evening and while not appearing to leave his post at any point in time.
6. Manage Pests: He should have skills in driving out mad dogs that manage to enter the building premises, kill rats and rodents that infest some houses, shoo out errant cows and buffaloes etc.
7. Tactful: Residents will fight. Mrs.Soni will demand to know if Mr.Soni had been seen coming out of the wrong house at the wrong hour. Ms Tanya will deny everything, even her own name. Subramani kids will ring bells, press all the buttons in the lift, puncture car tyres and paint bad words on the building walls. Shantanu will have frequent parties with ear-splitting music till 3 in the morning. The watchman should deal with all complaints in a tactful and respectful manner.
Additional responsibilities include distributing circulars personally to every house, collecting maintenance fees monthly, putting up notices, accompanying all callers to relevant house for security reasons, recommending maids, drivers, children’s nurses, cook, massage specialists etc. as per requirement.
Posh society is one of the highest paymasters for the miniscule amount of work that requires to be done by the watchman. We will pay a monthly salary of Rs.1500 of just 18 hour shifts. During this time, watchman is allowed 30 seconds for a nature’s break and 3 minutes for a lunch break. The other 6 hours in a day will be completely free. A large 1 X 1 room will be provided for watchman to change and rest.
P.S. He will also need to watch the building for security purposes.
Disclaimer: All characters and names in this article are figments of the writers imagination. Except the watchman. He is all too real.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Rainy day heroes
No one had told them about it. But it seemed that the Western railways now terminated into the sea. Muddy waters full of the entire years dirt swirled around their ankles as the two girls decided to get off. It was better than sitting hungry inside the train compartment, squelched between grumblers and the overenthusiastic ‘antakshari’ players.
“What time is it? Seems like mid-night,” Minal grumbled hiking her expensive white jeans.
“You look good in those tights. It’s shining like a ray of hope,” Vamsi pointed out.
“Not everyone is as sensible as you. We are going to fall into a hole anytime now…”
“There are no holes in railway tracks. Once we get off the tracks, let’s find a good long stick,” Vamsi shouted back scanning the bleak horizon. Think rain shrouded much of their vision. What was visible was in grayscale…
“We should reach Bandra anytime now…” Vamsi said bravely, wondering if either of them had a clue as to what they were doing or where they were headed.
Minal looked grim, “We need a boat…not a vehicle…”
“A very big boat…” Vamsi said, looking at the number of people ahead, walking on the railway tracks…
Conversation was suspended as the rain pelted the size of pebbles. “May be this is god’s way of cleaning up this dirty stinking city…” Vamsi thought, picking her way through the rough rocks that lay between the tracks of the train. Following the train tracks would definitely get them to the next station. From there they would try to make it by road. If vehicles could ply on roads filled with knee deep water….
The people were like zombies, the walking dead, just placing one foot in front of another. They never thought about the difficulty they were going through, because that would only make them panic.
“I am going to take a week’s leave and drink tea and eat onion pakora at home…” Vamsi said determined to get home by any means possible that night. Her parents at home would be worried. The mobile network was down for the past 2 hours. Her home was only a matter of another 5 kilometers – a distance she would have never imagined walking...especially not in murky waters, with thunderous rain pouring down and a treacherous umbrella in hand.
“Do you think there are some sharks in these waters?” Minal had just watched a rerun of “Jaws” recently.
“Sharks? No! Flesh eating Piranhas…definitely!” Vamsi made an eating gesture with her fingers.
“Haha..so funny,” Minal made a face. Vamsi didn’t see it because, just then, the lights went out completely. In the impenetrable darkness, the girls held on fast. It seemed like they had come to the end of the world…right there on the Bandra East bridge.
“Let me use my mobile,” Vamsi said almost into Minal’s ears. The weak white light from the mobile gave them courage to move on. Others too seemed to have got the same idea, small spots of light turned up randomly. The procession looked like a candlelight movement for peace.
Someone screamed and a bolt of lightning seemed to strike. A fellow-zombie-walker-in-the-rain had been electrocuted. Shouting indicated that they should move off the tracks into safer-but-still-murky waters to the right. They followed the crowd and suddenly found a sloppy wet hand – handing them a thick rope. Vamsi took it, clinging on to Minal with the other hand. She couldn’t imagine being left alone, on a night like this.
They walked, following the rope…
They passed by innumerable vehicles stuck in the gutter or manholes. People in buses had decided to climb up to the roof rather than sit inside on waterlogged seats.
“What chaos!” Minal shouted…
“Hey look! There are some people stuck in a car...” Vamsi pointed out. Inside a large car, the three occupants hammered the glass windows. Others were trying without success to break the glass from outside.
“They are stuck in the car! They are not able to roll down the window or open the door to get out. The windows are bullet proof too, “ a bystander explained to anyone who would listen.
“Oh my god…they will suffocate inside!” Minal shuddered.
“Let’s move ahead, they have a lot of people helping already…” Vamsi said. It was good that they did. They found an old man who had fallen into a pot hole full of water. The girls helped him out of the ditch and to the nearest building where people came out to help. They provided the girls with some biscuits and a glass of water.
Vamsi and Minal reached Vamsi’s home at 2 in the morning, after a walk of 5 hours. Minal’s house was about 13 kilometers further on, so she wisely decided to stay on at Vamsi’s still the floods receded and normalcy returned.
Secret heroes, stories of courage and a night to remember – were all made that night. Vamsi and Minal were only mythical two of the thousands of real people who were caught in the thunderstorm - 26th July. This story is dedicated to each one of those secret heroes.
“What time is it? Seems like mid-night,” Minal grumbled hiking her expensive white jeans.
“You look good in those tights. It’s shining like a ray of hope,” Vamsi pointed out.
“Not everyone is as sensible as you. We are going to fall into a hole anytime now…”
“There are no holes in railway tracks. Once we get off the tracks, let’s find a good long stick,” Vamsi shouted back scanning the bleak horizon. Think rain shrouded much of their vision. What was visible was in grayscale…
“We should reach Bandra anytime now…” Vamsi said bravely, wondering if either of them had a clue as to what they were doing or where they were headed.
Minal looked grim, “We need a boat…not a vehicle…”
“A very big boat…” Vamsi said, looking at the number of people ahead, walking on the railway tracks…
Conversation was suspended as the rain pelted the size of pebbles. “May be this is god’s way of cleaning up this dirty stinking city…” Vamsi thought, picking her way through the rough rocks that lay between the tracks of the train. Following the train tracks would definitely get them to the next station. From there they would try to make it by road. If vehicles could ply on roads filled with knee deep water….
The people were like zombies, the walking dead, just placing one foot in front of another. They never thought about the difficulty they were going through, because that would only make them panic.
“I am going to take a week’s leave and drink tea and eat onion pakora at home…” Vamsi said determined to get home by any means possible that night. Her parents at home would be worried. The mobile network was down for the past 2 hours. Her home was only a matter of another 5 kilometers – a distance she would have never imagined walking...especially not in murky waters, with thunderous rain pouring down and a treacherous umbrella in hand.
“Do you think there are some sharks in these waters?” Minal had just watched a rerun of “Jaws” recently.
“Sharks? No! Flesh eating Piranhas…definitely!” Vamsi made an eating gesture with her fingers.
“Haha..so funny,” Minal made a face. Vamsi didn’t see it because, just then, the lights went out completely. In the impenetrable darkness, the girls held on fast. It seemed like they had come to the end of the world…right there on the Bandra East bridge.
“Let me use my mobile,” Vamsi said almost into Minal’s ears. The weak white light from the mobile gave them courage to move on. Others too seemed to have got the same idea, small spots of light turned up randomly. The procession looked like a candlelight movement for peace.
Someone screamed and a bolt of lightning seemed to strike. A fellow-zombie-walker-in-the-rain had been electrocuted. Shouting indicated that they should move off the tracks into safer-but-still-murky waters to the right. They followed the crowd and suddenly found a sloppy wet hand – handing them a thick rope. Vamsi took it, clinging on to Minal with the other hand. She couldn’t imagine being left alone, on a night like this.
They walked, following the rope…
They passed by innumerable vehicles stuck in the gutter or manholes. People in buses had decided to climb up to the roof rather than sit inside on waterlogged seats.
“What chaos!” Minal shouted…
“Hey look! There are some people stuck in a car...” Vamsi pointed out. Inside a large car, the three occupants hammered the glass windows. Others were trying without success to break the glass from outside.
“They are stuck in the car! They are not able to roll down the window or open the door to get out. The windows are bullet proof too, “ a bystander explained to anyone who would listen.
“Oh my god…they will suffocate inside!” Minal shuddered.
“Let’s move ahead, they have a lot of people helping already…” Vamsi said. It was good that they did. They found an old man who had fallen into a pot hole full of water. The girls helped him out of the ditch and to the nearest building where people came out to help. They provided the girls with some biscuits and a glass of water.
Vamsi and Minal reached Vamsi’s home at 2 in the morning, after a walk of 5 hours. Minal’s house was about 13 kilometers further on, so she wisely decided to stay on at Vamsi’s still the floods receded and normalcy returned.
Secret heroes, stories of courage and a night to remember – were all made that night. Vamsi and Minal were only mythical two of the thousands of real people who were caught in the thunderstorm - 26th July. This story is dedicated to each one of those secret heroes.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Threatre on stage
If as a Mumbaiite you have never been to theatre - I mean plays and not the movie theatre - make it a point to visit one in the next week. You have been missing something.
We got free passes to Prithvi theatre to watch the play - Class of 84. The interaction of the actors with the audience is terrific. Why would actors ever chose a medium apart from stage? On stage, they can hear the reaction and see the expressions play real time. Actors enjoy getting the laughs and the surprised gasps from the audience. Unlike movies, even if the play is not the best possible one in all aspects, you enjoy every minute just because of the closeness of interaction.
Best of all, no one breaks into songs and zaps themselves to Switzerland for a impromptu jig.
Unlike others, Prithvi allows audience to sit almost right against the stage. They call it an intimate theatre auditorium and that is what makes the experience really amazing. It is very different from sitting a kilometer away from the stage.
Note: Please do not get into the typical habit of going for the seats furthest away from stage.
Find a play that will interest you and a theatre format that will obsess you at http://www.prithvitheatre.org
We got free passes to Prithvi theatre to watch the play - Class of 84. The interaction of the actors with the audience is terrific. Why would actors ever chose a medium apart from stage? On stage, they can hear the reaction and see the expressions play real time. Actors enjoy getting the laughs and the surprised gasps from the audience. Unlike movies, even if the play is not the best possible one in all aspects, you enjoy every minute just because of the closeness of interaction.
Best of all, no one breaks into songs and zaps themselves to Switzerland for a impromptu jig.
Unlike others, Prithvi allows audience to sit almost right against the stage. They call it an intimate theatre auditorium and that is what makes the experience really amazing. It is very different from sitting a kilometer away from the stage.
Note: Please do not get into the typical habit of going for the seats furthest away from stage.
Find a play that will interest you and a theatre format that will obsess you at http://www.prithvitheatre.org
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Obama influeces Mumbaiites
President Obama has taken over at White House or should I say, Black house or colored house if you want to be politically correct. How does this affect us at Mumbai you ask?
It does, it does.
Lack of humor: We who have been finding exquisite humor in putting down Bush no longer have a target. I mean no one can make funny faces like him. Just search for the word Funny or idiotic in Google and you will see only images of Bush. Bush reading a book upside down, Bush making a statement and forgetting what he said and on and on…
No more ‘stray’ dogs: Obama has taken all this talk about getting rid of stray dogs seriously and resolved the issue by adopting one. There is news that many strays are missing from their usual haunts of vice and are spending their days nibbling delicacies and having shampoo treatments at various mansions. The number of cases of dog bites and rabies have gone up proportionately at Breach Candy, Lilavati and other such hospitals frequented by the elite.
Recession Fashion: Not just the President, but the first lady too has changed our lives and perception of fashion. People are flocking to shops to buy ‘recession’ fashion at god-knows-how-many thousand rupees. Recession is the new IN. Cost is no barrier.
It does, it does.
Lack of humor: We who have been finding exquisite humor in putting down Bush no longer have a target. I mean no one can make funny faces like him. Just search for the word Funny or idiotic in Google and you will see only images of Bush. Bush reading a book upside down, Bush making a statement and forgetting what he said and on and on…
No more ‘stray’ dogs: Obama has taken all this talk about getting rid of stray dogs seriously and resolved the issue by adopting one. There is news that many strays are missing from their usual haunts of vice and are spending their days nibbling delicacies and having shampoo treatments at various mansions. The number of cases of dog bites and rabies have gone up proportionately at Breach Candy, Lilavati and other such hospitals frequented by the elite.
Recession Fashion: Not just the President, but the first lady too has changed our lives and perception of fashion. People are flocking to shops to buy ‘recession’ fashion at god-knows-how-many thousand rupees. Recession is the new IN. Cost is no barrier.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Mad dogs - proving insanity
The new ruling on street dogs? They can be put down. But only if they are certifiably insane. How does one certify them as insane? What constitutes unreasonable behavior?
Here is the transcript below from the latest court case, where the lawyer defended a set of dogs sentenced to death.
Your honor, the following characteristics would indicate sane behavior and such dogs should be pardoned and not sentenced to death...
1. Barking at cars. Why? Because all dogs do bark at passing cars. That's why. If they only bark at particular type of cars- it means they are intelligent. How many human beings can identify car brands? If they bark only at particular car colors - it means, very clearly that they are not color blind. Simple.
2. Scaring school children and car drivers : Dogs by definition are unpredictable. Are they going to cross the road or not? Are they barking at me or someone else ? If they are not scaring someone with strange unpredictable behavior, they are insane.
3. Having a hole in the head. If you can see the dogs brain from just looking at it, obviously it is not brainless. Therefore, it cannot be classified as loco or cuckoo or mad or as not in full possession of its faculties. Whats funny?
4. Foaming at the mouth. If a dog is foaming at the mouth, it is apparently brushing its teeth daily and has forgotten to gargle properly. Don't we also make such mistakes? Such cleanliness can be expected only from those who are very conscious of the old saying- cleanliness being next to godliness. Such knowledge and personal hygiene indicate that the dog is perfectly sane. Same as you or me.
At this point, the judge said "Bow wow" or "Boo hoo" or something to that effect and lawyer rested his case, with these words:
Therefore, no dog, mongrel, cur or otherwise may be put to death for all above behaviors/ characteristics. That's all your honour.
Here is the transcript below from the latest court case, where the lawyer defended a set of dogs sentenced to death.
Your honor, the following characteristics would indicate sane behavior and such dogs should be pardoned and not sentenced to death...
1. Barking at cars. Why? Because all dogs do bark at passing cars. That's why. If they only bark at particular type of cars- it means they are intelligent. How many human beings can identify car brands? If they bark only at particular car colors - it means, very clearly that they are not color blind. Simple.
2. Scaring school children and car drivers : Dogs by definition are unpredictable. Are they going to cross the road or not? Are they barking at me or someone else ? If they are not scaring someone with strange unpredictable behavior, they are insane.
3. Having a hole in the head. If you can see the dogs brain from just looking at it, obviously it is not brainless. Therefore, it cannot be classified as loco or cuckoo or mad or as not in full possession of its faculties. Whats funny?
4. Foaming at the mouth. If a dog is foaming at the mouth, it is apparently brushing its teeth daily and has forgotten to gargle properly. Don't we also make such mistakes? Such cleanliness can be expected only from those who are very conscious of the old saying- cleanliness being next to godliness. Such knowledge and personal hygiene indicate that the dog is perfectly sane. Same as you or me.
At this point, the judge said "Bow wow" or "Boo hoo" or something to that effect and lawyer rested his case, with these words:
Therefore, no dog, mongrel, cur or otherwise may be put to death for all above behaviors/ characteristics. That's all your honour.
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